In recent years, relationships in Spain have undergone a profound transformation. According to data from the National Institute of Statistics, more than 86.000 marriages dissolved in just twelve months, a figure that reflects the strain on many relationships. The Spanish Association of Family Lawyers confirms that daily wear and tear, emotional distance, and a lack of communication are the real reasons for breakups. But what is really happening in couples?
Psychologists across the country agree that the problem isn't just the separation itself, but how it happens. Many people are in stable relationships but feel lonely, a phenomenon some specialists call "single people in relationships ." Psychologist Sandra Ferrer explains that it's increasingly common to find couples who share plans and live together, but lack emotional intimacy. The fear of suffering and the pursuit of autonomy have weakened the development of a shared future.
The most frequent causes of crisis in a couple
Psychologist Antoni Bolinches identifies the loss of sexual desire as the primary trigger of a crisis, although it rarely occurs in isolation. "The problem with desire isn't having it, it's maintaining it," he states. After two or three years of cohabitation, desire enters a homeostatic phase and gradually diminishes over time. Other contributing factors include falling out of love, how to react to infidelity , financial difficulties, and disagreements about raising children, according to the AEFA (Spanish Association of Family Facility Counselors).
Silvia Congost, a psychologist specializing in relationships, adds that routine and a lack of gratitude also erode the bond. "Love is not enough," she states in her book, 'The Art of Loving Well.' Respect, admiration, communication, and boundaries are essential. Many couples forget to keep the spark alive and fall into monotony, ceasing to appreciate small gestures. Congost recommends getting engaged after three years of dating, as it reduces the risk of divorce by 48%.
The importance of communication and conflict management
Arguing isn't bad, as long as it's done properly. Psychologist John Gottman, after 50 years of research, asserts that conflict has a purpose: to achieve mutual understanding . The happiest couples don't avoid differences, but rather address them fairly. Gottman warns against "emotional flooding," a state of stress that prevents clear thinking. He recommends taking a break of between 20 minutes and 24 hours to regain composure before resuming the conversation.
Psychologist Marta Barranco agrees that behind almost every argument lies an unmet emotional need . Often, anger over a plan that isn't shared masks a need to feel part of a team. Barranco emphasizes the importance of learning to identify and communicate these needs before anger arises. "The problem isn't the conflict itself, it's the inability to understand what's happening underneath," she explains.
Gottman proposes the "BAGEL method" for expressing a need: mention an emotion, describe the specific situation, and request positive action. For example, instead of accusing someone of financial irresponsibility, you can explain the stress budgeting causes and suggest reviewing the accounts together. This approach transforms a disagreement into an opportunity to connect.
When to go to couples therapy?
One of the most widespread myths is that couples therapy is a last resort before breaking up. Psychologist Ana M. Ángel Esteban debunks this belief: "Therapy works best as maintenance, not as an emergency service." Many couples arrive too late, after years of accumulating resentment and hurt. The sooner the problems are addressed, the greater the chances of turning the situation around.
Silvia Congost also argues that therapy isn't just for saving a relationship, but also for a healthy separation. "If I see there's no going back, the breakup becomes a reality. Separating peacefully and without anguish is also something you learn," she says. Furthermore, therapy helps identify harmful patterns and makes the most of couples therapy , even when the relationship seems stable.
The phenomenon of loneliness within a relationship, described by Sandra Ferrer, is another warning sign. "You can sleep next to someone without feeling that they truly know you," she cautions. Ferrer recommends building a strong "us" without losing individuality , a balance many neglect for fear of dependency.
The role of small gestures and emotional connection
In everyday life, everyday gestures are the true glue of a relationship. According to the General Council of Psychology of Spain, healthy love is based on reciprocity, trust, and mutual respect. Psychologist Sue Johnson affirms that love is sustained by a secure emotional connection , by feeling seen and valued. A caress at the right moment, a word of encouragement, or sharing silence without discomfort nurtures intimacy in the long run.
Dr. John Gottman and his wife Julie emphasize the importance of "connection invitations": small gestures like calling someone by name, asking "Do you need anything from me today?" or simply making eye contact. Mindful physical touch is also key: a study from Oxford University indicates that hugs and caresses release oxytocin and reduce cortisol, the stress hormone. Couples who touch each other frequently develop greater emotional security.
Silvia Congost emphasizes gratitude as a fundamental pillar in romantic relationships. "Every day I give thanks for having a home, for my partner, for the people around me," she confesses. Small acts of care —making coffee, tucking the other in while they sleep, remembering an important date—have a positive cumulative effect, according to the Spanish Foundation for Psychology and Health. These gestures demonstrate that you think of the other person, even in the most trivial things.
Romantic relationships aren't always easy, but they don't have to end in separation. Experts agree that daily effort, honest communication, and a willingness to ask for help make all the difference. Therapy isn't a failure, but rather a tool for reconnecting. As Silvia Congost reminds us, "Love isn't enough if it isn't accompanied by respect, admiration, and boundaries." In a society where emotional loneliness is on the rise, nurturing relationships is more important than ever.
